Happy Thanksgiving...-.-"I like, never post emo journal entries, but I feel that this is going to be one of those rare ones.
I don't know what to say/do anymore. I didn't go to school this week. Yeah, its cause my grandma died, which is a legit enough excuse, but I kind of wish I was there. But now that like, I haven't been there at all, I don't want to go back. I don't want to be in class, I don't want to be around people, I don't want to go to school, I don't want to deal with everyone running up to me asking me where the hell I was and if I'm ok and what's going on. And knowing myself, I'm probably going to start crying, which then means I'm going to have to explain why I'm crying, which I won't be able to do.
I only told 4 people at school why I wasn't there. One of them is a family friend, so her mom told her. I told one of my friends that I'm starting to get like, close to, since I knew she wouldn't tell anyone. And I told the kid I'm dating, since I didn't want there to be any worries. The family friend, Steph, was able to get permission to leave school to come to the funeral Monday night, and she called me from school on Monday and Tuesday to be sure I was alright, even though she was coming home on Wednesday. Even the weekend before she went back she always IMed me to be sure I was alright, even when she was at Sarah's (other person I told) she IMed me. Sarah IMs me all the time too to be sure I'm ok. The last person, well I haven't heard from them at all, and like...I'm really upset about it too. I know that sounds completely selfish and obnoxious, but I really am hurt. The last person who I told is someone who I know won't say anything, and after I told them they called me up and had me on the phone talking for like, over an hour.
My friends at home, that don't go to my private school, have been talking to me non-stop.
I don't want to go back too school Sunday night. For the past couple of weekends that I've been coming home I've been basically packing up all my shit and bringing it all home and have been refusing to go back, with no success. T_T! I haven't been there in like, a week now, and now I have to go back, make up a shitload of tests, and deal with everyone's bullshit. I don't want to be bombarded with a million questions of why I haven't been there, of what's been going on, and then having to deal with people making fun of my relationship on top of all that. I'm fucking sick and tired of peoples bull about it. Keep your damn opinions to yourself.
I worried about her. She's been under so much stress lately and she's not talking to me about what's going on. I told her that she can, so she knows that I'm here for her, and that I'll listen to her and try to help as much as I can, but I don't think she cares that I care. I'm constantly told she hates me, that she wants nothing to do with me, that she's using me, that she's just fucking around with my head since that's how she used to be, that she's going to find my strengths and my weaknesses and use them against me and tear me down, that I shouldn't trust her with anything because she'll open her mouth and tell everyone, that she really hasn't changed at all and I'm just not seeing it since I wasn't there for how she used to be, that I'm oblivious to the obvious, that I need to start taking peoples advise and cut her completely from my life.
Well guess what everyone, I don't give a shit about what you have to say. Ok, so shit happens, but keep your noses out of our relationship. I'm not one for relationships due to shit that's happened to me in the past, but I'm happy with the one I'm in right now, thank you very much, so butt out, ok? It'll be highly appreciated. I don't need your opinions right now if that's alright with you. Leave her alone, she has enough shit going on right now. I'm trying not to tell her really anything that's going on with me in my life right now, and how I'm not doing good at ALL right now, because I don't want her anymore stressed out then she already is. If she knew that I'm like, doing whatever I can not to fuck up right now, and how I'm really just NOT doing good at all, I don't know how she'd be right now. So leave her alone, leave me alone, we have enough on our plates.
How the fuck is this supposed to be a "Happy Thanksgiving" when its only a couple days after I buried my grandmother which means my family is disheveled, and I'm probably almost like how I was when I was in 8th/9th grade? Fuck man...
And on top of all this, I need to start my Christmas shopping.
-Cait.
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A llama is only a llama if you call it a llama.
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